So, our ungrateful Scottish friends are sick of our marriage and want a divorce! Fair enough. After all we’ve been sleeping in separate beds for years now, though we have somehow still managed to fuck them regularly!  Anyway, I reckon we should insist on their independence and here’s 10 reasons why. Though of course this list is far from exhaustive.

  1. HADRIANS WALL.

The world has had its knickers in an almighty twist ever since the Donald announced his intention to build THAT wall to keep out millions of gringos who have the bloody audacity to seek a better life. What a shame that nobody has so far thought of a way of building one in the middle of the Mediterranean. Anyway, us English built Hadrians Wall long before borders became all the rage because it was common knowledge down here that the train of civilisation stopped at fecking Carlisle. And has it worked? Has it f**k!

  1. DRESS CODE

Despite countless attempts to improve Scottish dress sense, it just hasn’t been successful. Even the 1746 Dress Act which actually banned the wearing of tartan hasn’t managed to prevent it remaining more addictive than Iron Bru. Personally I think that nothing looks more ridiculous than middle aged, albino skinned men covered in tattoos, wearing replica Vivienne Westwood clothing!

  1. ANDY MURRAY

Us English are too bloody polite. After all we gave the world over 90% of what it now takes for granted. A beautiful language, every meaningful sport, the rule of law, fantastic music, fashion, the theatre and….. Eastenders. And what thanks do we get eh? So when the ugly SCOTTISH tennis player with the dodgy teeth announced that he’d support any team but England in football he became dead to me. Worse still, he squirmed that he was only joking. He should have stuck to his guns instead of failing to grow a set of new balls !

  1. SCOTTISH SPORT?

It’s a well-established fact that Scotland is to sport what Viagra is to a eunich. And although trouncing them at everything every year is like giving your eighty year old, wheel-chair bound granny a good kicking we really should say enough is enough. I thought it might be a good idea for the Scottish rugby team to play the Scottish football team, but then it occurred to me that they’d probably both lose!

  1. SEAN CONNERY

Ah yes. Who can ever forget the great man’s Oscar winning performance as the Glaswegian, Russian submarine commander in the Hunt For Red October!!! Trivial things like a realistic portrayal have never stood in his way. Maybe that explains why he manages to act as a realistic and passionate Scottish Nationalist from his home in the fecking Caribbean!!!

  1. SCOTTISH OIL

Honestly, do Scottish nationalists ever stop telling us just how rich they are, particularly Alex Salmond who, through a straight face, told us all how financially secure Scotland’s future was as they were sitting on over £11 trillion worth of oil. Alex, in case you didn’t you know, is an economist. What you might not know however is that he was an economist with the worst bank in the entire history of banking, the Royal Bank of Scotland!  Nuff said.

  1. CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH?

To be fair, the scots should be made to give up our language if they become independent. The Americans didn’t when they went independent, but then again they didn’t have the ugliness of Gaelic to fall back on?

‘I’ll gie ye a skelpit lug’

‘We’re a’ Jock Tamson’s bairns’

No. Neither do I!

  1. SCOTTISH FOOD.

Are you really going to try and convince me that a people who eat the stomach of a sheep that actually tastes like a bag of nappies, before opting for a fried mars bar desert are worthy of the label ‘civilised?’

  1. TONY BLAIR

Yes indeed. The man who kidded us English to vote for him before his name became a swear word. I mean, not only is he a proven liar, but his judgement is extremely suspect. He was always more interested in retaining power than running the country.  On Iraq, he lied and distorted the evidence to justify taking us into war. I won’t go any further than mentioning his claims that Iraq had WMD, when he knew no such thing, and his claim of them being able to use them within 45 minutes when everybody knows that it would have taken well over an hour!

  1. BAGPIPES!

Or unregulated pollution. Those delightful things that ruin  every wedding. Apparently the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object has never quite equalled the purity of sound achieved by the fecking pig!!!

laters

20th March 2017