I demand that Christmas is cancelled! Yes I know we should all love it and that I should feel horrible about this, because not liking Christmas is akin to not liking puppies or cupcakes. But I apologise because I just about hate everything about it. So much so, that I just don’t know where to start but start I must, let’s kick off with the Christmas carols because already they’ve started buzzing like tiny, tortuous winter bees. And to be fair, there are ones I hate considerably less than others.
I don’t mind listening to Eartha Kitt singing ‘Santa Baby’ but then again, I wouldn’t mind listening to Eartha Kitt singing the phone book, remember them? Alright, then a Twitter feed. I could also listen to Tom Jones sing ‘Baby It’s Cold Outside’ because that man is in his 90’s and just won’t stop pelvic thrusting, and let’s be honest here, pretty inspiring. I’ll even listen to Christmas carols that contain the word ‘baby.’ But not, you know, that baby. That fecking Jesus baby. But already, with just two weeks to go, I’m feeling the strain and if I hear another fecking radio show play ‘Fairy Tale of New York’ one more time I am going to stab my own eardrums with a very merry chopstick
Now, I’m not a religious person at all, shit I even forget if Christmas has anything to do with Christ anymore? Rather, it’s now all about over saturated marketing for retailers. Then there’s brainless shoppers. You know, the bleary-eyed hordes that descend on shops and shopping centres like an infestation of locusts who just cannot get enough of the mountains of cheap, made-in-China, garbage that gets snatched up by frenzied men and women consumers alike. The deaths and injuries alone that occur from shopping feeding frenzies, and the way retailers feed on holiday madness like crack dealers, all are reasons enough to cancel Xmas immediately.
And of course, and I apologise again, this incessant shopping brings me sadly back to carols, because how many times in an average day can anyone listen to the same tired carols bleating over the PA system in every department store, grocery store, drug store, shopping centre and hardware store in the country? Even contemporary holiday gems like Slade’s ‘Merry Xmas’, Joni Mitchell’s ‘River’ and even ‘Holy Night’ become stale after 5,892 plays. Enough already!!!! Honestly, If I worked in a retail store during December I reckon I’d blow my head off by the third day on the job.
And here’s another thing. Don’t you think that Christmas comes earlier every year? If holidays were diseases, Christmas would be cancer, a fast-spreading, deadly cancer. It spreads long into New Year and is already going after Halloween, too. In fact, it’s not unusual to see many stores displaying Christmas crap as early as August! I make that about one-third of the year, devoted to a perverse imitation of what used to be a religious holiday. And the credit-card debt we sink ourselves into, of course, lasts well into summer and beyond. So, like any cancer specialist will tell you, we have to surgically remove the growing tumour of Christmas, and use harsh chemotherapy to keep the Christmas cancer cells from spreading any further.
And of course it’s simply impossible to ignore the environmental impact, and the sheer ugliness, of most Christmas decorations. Those cheap plastic balls and tinsel you’re decorating your tree, house, yard, car, office and lapel with? All were made by desperately poor people toiling away in Chinese factories using heavy metals and toxic compounds. Even your artificial fecking Christmas tree contains lead! And those Christmas lights twinkling in the darkness, until your house catches fire, are powered by a coal-fired electric plant spewing greenhouse gases into the air.
So please forgive my curmudgeonly spirit, but I simply have zero interest in participating in Christmas this year. Or ever. Not because I don’t enjoy having a nice turkey and ham dinner with family, or exchanging a gift, but because it gets shoved down my throat. Between the stupid music and the goddamn commercials, the premature decorations, the retail stores and the zoo like atmosphere, I absolutely hate this time of year and I’m already counting the hours until January the first. But then again of course they’ll have the ‘New Year’ sales and other bullshit going on. So as much as I can wish all you a very Merry Christmas just don’t include me OK?
Feck Santa. I hope he crashes!
12th December 2016.