So you’re all sorted. You’re up to your arse in debt, and will probably need a small mortgage to clear the credit card which you maxed out buying piles of unnecessary shit for your horrible, lazy children, and presents for family members, most of whom can’t stand the fucking sight of you!
But answer me this. When you were wasting your hard earned dough did you question the amounts of packaging the crap was wrapped in? You should have because its the biggest scourge of Xmas. Now I know green taxes have been introduced to combat this but it ain’t working. Levies on everything from plastic carrier bags, breathing in too much oxygen or even farting in public haven’t made one jot of difference. Here in Ireland, bin charges are on the horizon. But I reckon the government has got its landfills in a twist here because one of the main reasons why I can never close the lid of my bin is because of the four fucking tons of needless packaging that I’m expected to cram into it!
Only a week ago my niece brought home a collection of some ‘Little Mix’ dolls. She came into the kitchen with them because she didn’t have the biceps to prise open the packaging. At first I used my hands to try and break the thin wire wrapped around them, but this only resulted in deep lacerations and some emotional scarring. Then there are the zip ties that are usually included, because imprisoning baby dolls and shiny cars in Satanic plastic doesn’t fucking go far enough. These zip ties usually fasten said toy to a piece of superfluous cardboard like tiny choker collars and S&M cuffs. Oh, and standard knives can’t cut these poxy things. They don’t even make a dent. In fact, I’ve broken no less than three Stanley knives on previous occasions trying to free Barbie and Action Man from their respective miniature torture chambers. As far as I can figure, a grenade might do the trick, but only one of those really bang-bang, military grade fuck-off ones.
Anyway, back to Little Mix. Becoming more determined, not to mention embarrassed, I finally reached for the scissors. These proved just as useless because no matter how hard I tried they could barely make a scratch. I then reached for the crowbar and in what looked like a Walt Disney poor remake of ‘Psycho’ I proceeded to batter each fucking doll to death!! And let us not forget the sadistic bastards who use full-on bolts to secure the toys in their packaging. BOLTS!! Yes. The same things used to fasten steel in cars, houses and skyscrapers are also apparently needed to keep Bratz kids and My fucking Little Pony, from shifting during transportation! And I won’t even mention my own gargantuan struggle to get through the packaging on my new Oral-B Vitality electric toothbrush. It would have been easier to take a fucking gun off of Charlton Heston! Had said toothbrush have been pure gold, or some incredibly expensive drug, I could have understood its armour-plated plastic shell. Anyway, having failed with ordinary kitchen scissors, I went out to my garage in a rage in search of my heavy duty chain saw! Now all this plastic shit, and additives like lead and hormone-disrupting BPA and phthalates, feed massive plastic wastelands out in the sea that, in turn, choke birds and kill aquatic wildlife. Then we eat those creatures, so those plastic toxins wind up in us. So not only do we pay the tax on the packing but end up with fucking stomach cancer. And then what? We’re packaged away ourselves in a cheap wooden box!
Did you know that each year five hundred squids of a household’s annual food bill pays the cost of the packaging our food comes in. And another thing; An ordinary plastic bag takes five hundred years to decay, which brings me nicely to my recently purchased top selling razor, ‘Fusion’. Because once I can save up enough money for the blow-torch, will probably take me another fucking five hundred years to open it! Happy Xmas.
18th December 2017.