David Beckham OBE was once asked if he intended to have his son Brooklyn christened. Dave, or Rodney to give him his proper name’s, priceless reply was:

‘Yeah we probably will, but we don’t know into what religion.’

Ever since, Dave has been managing to fool his worldwide fanbase, the gullible celebrity obsessed media, politicians, the FA, The London Olympic Bid committee and probably his missus into thinking that he’s as thick as pig shit. And yet all the while, the crafty, squeaky clean Leytonstone boy has been making secret arrangements to avoid paying tax, has shagged his lesbian nanny, fleeced LA Galaxy, and has even managed to move the Beckham brand into UNICEF.

Dave you see, makes everyone swoon and go weak at the knees, though personally I think he looks like Ricky Gervais’s younger brother. Anyway, it seems that ‘Golden Balls’ is a bit pissed off to learn that there’s more chance of his missus singing the next James Bond theme tune than there is of him ever being referred to as a ‘Sir’. Beckham is the man who has everything, except of course, credibility. Did you know that he won a gold ‘Blue Peter Badge’ in 2001? But here’s an interesting fact. He’s never won the ‘PFA Footballer of the Year’ or ‘Players Player of the Year’ awards? That’s because you see, players know their peers and the game more than those members of the public who vote for such ridiculous awards as the BBC ‘Sports Personality of the Year’ which remarkably, Dave won without ever owning one!

But this week he’s let his designer y-fronts slip as apparently, he’s been venting his squeaky fury all over his e-mail server at his failure to be awarded a Knighthood. Apparently his tax arrangements rose a red flag and a few eyebrows among those c***ts who dish these things out. He was nominated for a knighthood by Sir Sebastian Coe which is like Reggie Kray recommending his brother Ronnie for a job as a security guard. In his fury, Dave even dissed Welsh cocaine beauty, Katherine Jenkins for getting an OBE for her services to snorting!  Now dissing some Welsh bird is one thing, but once you diss the establishment you’re already history. If only Dave had followed Hilary Clinton’s example here because whatever you might think of her, she at least knew how to make e-mails disappear, which is more than can say for the man who’s covered in more cheap ink than a cell full of armed robbers.

Thing is, Dave ain’t happy unless he’s in the public eye for something, anything in fact. Back in 2015 Dave starred in a western entitled ‘Outlaws’. It was a ridiculous attempt at a serious acting career. He was drafted in to pose broodingly on a motorcycle as per some strong and silent McQueen/Eastwood-seque type figure. Please do watch it because it brings a whole new meaning to the word ‘crap’. Needless to say, there are those times when art imitates life because as he called the honours list selection committee a bunch of c***s he has now ensured his very own establishment outlaw status for many years to come. 

Laters.

9th February 2017