Now here’s a question. Cast your minds back to the 31st December 1999. Does that date ring any alarm bells at all? Does your blood chill at the very memory? Can you recall the uncontrolled hysteria as the dire warnings of apocalypse at midnight flooded the airwaves? It was a time when doomsday pronouncements came along quicker than a Trump executive order. Planes would simply fall from the sky; billions of dollars’ worth of computer equipment would grind to a halt, the nation’s air defences would be rendered out of action and our freezers would defrost while we were abed destroying weeks’ worth of doughnuts, french fries, pizza, chocolate chip ice cream and all of that other sensible food that’s essential for healthy living.  Life as we know would be … well you know the rest.

And just remind me what actually happened? Well what actually did happen was that thousands of private energy companies and numerous other ‘shady’ millennium bug experts made billions from our uncontrolled paranoia and anxiety. As scams go it was just about perfect because we were all literally … green!  Everybody was fleeced, nobody was killed, nothing stopped working, the world continued on its axis … and sadly, nobody got arrested for extortion!

And as much as it pains me to say it, here we go again. Of course years ago, your average American’s idea of global warming would have been a two week vacation in Death Valley, but now the climate has changed! Now let me just say that the global warming scenario is pretty grim. And like me, I’m sure none of you like the idea of polar bears scratching their behinds against a palm tree or witnessing Alaska becoming the new Riviera. But is it really happening? Is our own climate really preparing to choke us all to death with our own negligence? I have to say that I have been giving this topic some very serious consideration lately and the answer that I’ve come up with is … I don’t know. As a reply to the pressing climate debates of the day this is, well pretty … anti-climactic, but this whole climate change thing is becoming too hot to handle. Many would disagree of course, and they might have a point because while the war against ISIS is about as effective as a promise from Donald Trump Jr to keep his mouth shut, at least the war on the environment is going extremely well. Were totally destroying everything in sight!

Yet let me just warn you all that the scaremongers are many among us and their numbers are growing. When these people first acost you they will very soon turn the conversation to global warming, after all it’s a real icebreaker. And as the dire warnings of destruction and the unstoppable power of nature to eradicate man from this earth follow, one thing is forever certain my friends. A gift horse is one species that will never become extinct. Therefore i am warning you all to please beware of any of the following:

Armbands salesman warning of rising Ocean levels, last chance boat trips to see the Antartic, bottled oxygen stores, more hot air coming from the White House, containers of the last snow from Mount Kilimanjaro, umbrella salesman in your workplace and any sighting of Al Gore near a cinema!

But climate change is real, Derek, I hear you all cry. Indeed it is and yes of course we must save energy, and that’s a given, but this can be done just by simply extinguishing unnecessary lights. Therefore the solution is thankfully already at hand. Everybody just has to run over a handful of cyclists on the drive home from work each evening! It really is that simple people.


2nd August 2017