So there you go. Kim Kardashian was robbed. But this is where I’m on the same page as the talentless one. I know exactly how she feels because as an England football fan I know all there is to know about being robbed.  In actual fact, England are robbed at almost every football tournament they just about qualify for and just what are the our police doing about that? Anyway, I digress.

Apparently the crime took place in the hotel room where Kim was staying. On hearing the truly dreadful and terrible news that Keeping Up With The Kardashians wouldn’t be cancelled, all I could think to myself was, honestly where can you find a decent bloody hit man these days? Poor little ole’ Kim I sighed. Although poor and little are hardly the words that come to mind when one considers the size of a certain part of her anatomy, and whose terribly hard life consists of nothing more arduous than being chauffered from one photo opportunity to another. With breasts the size of mars, an arse the size of Jupiter and an ego as big as Saturn you certainly know when USS Kim has put to sea.

The entire Kardashian clan inhabit a world of selfies which didn’t take long to become ‘sell these.’ Which, as any half-wit teenage girl will tell you, includes Kardashian make-up, shoes, nail polish and diet pills which obviously Kim has never been within a mile of? She also does a great product line in extremely unattractive boyfriends. Of course, I could be completely wrong about her and that underneath those four inches of make-up there’s another six inches of designer slap to hack through!!

          And before you all the play the ‘your just jealous’ card. Too bleedin right I am! There’s no way that I could ever rely on the size of my own arse to get me through life. Let me tell you something. I don’t know anybody alive who has bigger haemorrhoids than me but will that get me a  TV reality show on Channel 4? I don’t think so. And as I’ve no intention of appearing in a sex video on YouTube I’ll guess I’ll just have to write myself out of my penniless predicament. If this fails then I’ll simple take up drama lessons in LA in how to act like a prick. Who knows, if I’m successful I might get the same photo opportunity as Kimy to go to a fashion show wearing the Gross Domestic Product of a large African state on the lapel of my jacket.

On hearing the news of Kim’s televised ordeal, her loving step- father, who has since become her sister and then her auntie, said it was enough to make him turn. Unfortunately for Brucie not even the Kardashians have enough money to straighten him out! 


 3rd October 2016.