Imagine for a moment being trapped in a restaurant with only two choices on the menu: skunks testicles or a goat’s penis. Now, it doesn’t matter which one you choose because either one of them is going to make you gag, before you feel like throwing up. And of course the very next day you’ll look back and wished that you had stayed hungry. Well this is basically the unappetising choice facing our American friends in the up and coming Presidential election in November.

I’ll leave it up to you decide which of the two candidate’s represents which is which on the aforementioned menu, though suffice to say anybody voting for crooked Hilary will do well to hold their nose as they enter the voting booth. The Americans are truly stuck in the middle of an ugly pageant because neither choice is remotely attractive.

There are so many things to dislike about Hilary, not least that irritating propensity she has to point and wave at imaginary friends in the crowd whenever she steps onto a podium to give a speech.  I often wonder if one day the hitman will wave back first? Then there’s her doting, devoted husband, Bill.  You remember him? The saxophone touting democrat, or STD as he’s commonly known, though in certain parts STD has quite a different connotation? Actually it’s not suprising that Bill is so good on the saxophone when you consider that during all of those years in the Whitehouse spent enriching himself between meeting international dignitaries, he somehow always managed to find time for a ‘blow.’

Anyway, even though Hilary is about as popular as herpes, she cannot surely believe her luck as she edges closer and closer to the White House cash register because the Donald is doing his very best to serve up his own political testicles on a plate. The man’s election campaign is like a never ending episode of the Jerry Springer Show. Yet he still insists that he’ll do well in the polls. This is quite a reversal from doing well out of the poles. Particular the undocumented ones who built Trump Tower  working twelve hour shifts for less than forty bucks a day! Donald will rescue the US from Muslims, Mexicans, Terrorists, ISIS, Communists and anything else that ends in ‘S’  But only in the event of his election will the American know if he can possibly rescue them from his own madnesS.

So what’s to be done? How can the decent people of America be saved from the twin towers of political corruption and political ineptness? I gave some serious thought to asking Sarah Palin to step into the fight to be America’s Commander-In-Chief.  Sarah, of course, is the woman who makes George ‘Dubya’ Bush look like Einstein. Of course we all remember George and his immortal line: ‘Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.’ The man remains not only a wacko but a true inspiration. However when I called Sarah up she went into some bizarre rap….‘All of you, you hard-working Iowa families, you farm families and teachers and teamsters and cops and cooks, you rock ‘n’ rollers and holy rollers….’ I had to hang up because I thought I’d actually called M&M by mistake. Luckily for America and for the world in general, I now have the answer. The man to make America grate again. And his name is James Danforth Qualye.  Yep, that one. 

This is great news for the USA because Dan has never for one moment pretended that he wasn’t inept. I actually called him from my office just the other day and asked him if he would be prepared to ride to the aid of the great American people at this late hour to rescue them from the all of the presidential madness. And believe me people, when it comes to madness Dan is as mad as they come.

Dan’s reply was, naturally, fitting of the great man. He told me that of course he was ready not least because he can now spell ‘potato’ correctly and that he has recently passed his Latin examination. Therefore when he visits Latin America nobody will be able to accuse him of not speaking their language. Just listening to him asserting his insanity actually made me feel proud on America’s behalf. But then, as in the lives of all politicians, the past can be a daunting shadow. And so nervously I then asked him that if he did agree to rescue America, would he be afraid that his inept political past would be dragged up to haunt him? His reply was equally re-assuring

‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve ever made.’

Finally, I asked him if he had a few reassuring words for the electorate. Dan was unflinching.

‘Yes Derek. Let me just say that if you think Clinton and Trump are terrible you ain’t seen nothing yet!’

So there you have it. Who needs skunks testicles or a goat’s penis when you can have Quayle on the menu.


20th August 2016.