Well I did. And to think that for years, medical opinion in the United States of America was divided, as well as way past exasperated, as to why millions of its citizens were basically the size of a small country. Now, there is absolutely no need for smugness on the part of any nation outside of the US, because throughout the western world, obesity rates are getting higher than the waistband on Simon Cowell’s trousers!
But when it comes to the central cause of America’s fat epidemic, I have long had the answer. And to be honest that answer has been staring America in the stomach for years. And the answer is the word……QUARTER! Yes indeed folks, you heard me right. This word is the font of all fatness in the land of the free…..heart attacks, strokes and double portions. And just how do you come to that conclusion?’ I hear you cry.
Well, first off, the most popular sports in America are as follows: American Football, Basketball, Ice Hockey and Baseball which, as a sport is very questionable. Now I don’t want to get into the old tired debate about what is and what is not a sport. But in my own humble opinion, a sport is an activity which must result in perspiration on the part of those who are taking part. It’s all about the strenuous effort, exertion, pushing oneself, and leaving everything you have on the field of play blah de blah. So straight away this rules out golf, pool, bowling, fishing, nascar racing, anything that involves Michael Carrick and my favourite non-sport of all, baseball! which is basically rounders. Baseball games last forever. They’re about as exciting as a colonoscopy and are played by seriously overweight men dressed in gay stripy pyjamas! Some of these wide-arsed athletes also take performance enhancing drugs which can only be for no other reason than to stay awake!
Anyway I digress, because what American Football, Basketball and Ice Hockey all have in common, is that these games are all divided up into quarters. Now the word quarter has a strong resonance in the American lexicon because it is usually followed by another word, ‘Pounder’. As each of these sports are divided in four quarters, only three for ice hockey, this means that your average fat yank can treat the end of each quarter, as well as the numerous time-outs, as the ideal opportunity to tuck their jaws into the next course of sugar coated beef which means, by the time the game has finally finished, that they would have munched their way through half of a farmyard animal plus ketchup, mustard and a bucket of fries. And by the way, that doesn’t include swallowing a swimming pool full of coke and about nine yards of popcorn!
The girly game of Baseball, on the other hand, has no time limits unfortunately. This explains why you can actually spend a whole week watching something so dour that the only way you can possibly sustain any interest in it is to eat and drink your way to oblivion. Seriously, I went to a baseball game once. It lasted for four hours and come the third hour, the queue at the hotdog stand looked like a Virgin Airlines departure gate and then some lady sat beside me gulping down a chilli dog about the same size as my leg!
Anyway, what’s to be done about the indisputable fact that American sports are actually killing the audiences? Well I can’t see any point in simply splitting the games into halves because the greedy buggers will just woof down just as much in half the time. And of course, nobody wants our American friends to get stressed over this although every American is well aware that stressed spelt backwards is desserts! But the only way forward is for the American public to sue somebody. After all, just like a plateful of dunkin doughnuts, the Americans do love a bit of litigation before it’s all gone. And getting an arse the size of an aircraft carrier can’t all be their own personal fault can it? Recently I was speaking to an American gentleman whose name was hank and he, like millions of other Americans, have had their lives ruined by sport and he’s bloody ready to sue.
‘The NFL, the NBA and the AAPB continue to entice ordinary Americans to chow down on McDonald’s, Burger King, Wendy’s and Kentucky Fried Chicken at the end of each quarter, enticing us with their greasy, salty and sugary crap. The American Sports Associations have wrecked my life,’ sobbed Hank.
‘What about individual responsibility, Hank?’ I replied. ‘
‘Boloney! I always thought all that crap was good for me. I never thought there was anything wrong with it,’ he said. Now look at me! I’ve already had two heart attacks and I’m covered in diabetes.
‘But surely, Hank. You must be aware that fully two-thirds of all foods consumed in America are consumed in people’s homes. Would you therefore propose that Americans sue their mothers?’
Hank looked me square in the eye before he beamed me the biggest smile I’ve ever seen. ‘Yeah, that’s it. Sue those mothers’ fuckers. Is there a time limit on suing them?’ he asked eagerly.
‘No, No. There’s still time,’ I said. Remember, Hank. It’s not over until the fat lady eats!’
19th November 2016.