So there you go. Mr and Mrs Smith are calling it a day. Another Hollywood, star-spangled marriage ends up on the cutting room floor.

Brad and Angie join the long list of Hollywood celebrity marriages that don’t last as long as a bag of cinema popcorn.  Renee Zellweger, Angelina Jolie, AGAIN, Julia Roberts, Jennifer Lopez…honestly! and Mel B to name but a few plus many, many more whose life-long commitment turned out to be shorter than the list of Jennifer Aniston’s acting awards. Brad and Ange were married for two years but the fact that they were together for fourteen in total is pretty good by Hollywood standards. It will of course set off once more the debate about why so many of these marriages just do not survive. Maybe it’s just that in a business where actors spend sixty hours per week on their careers and about fifteen to twenty minutes on the weekend with their spouses, then is it any wonder why their marriages fall apart? But it does somewhat suggest that most of the successful people in Hollywood are failures as human beings?

It’s a cliché’ of course but maybe Brad was caught with his pants down?  As one of Hollywood’s biggest male heartthrobs Pitt would be well used to being surrounded by ever younger and more beautiful nubile actresses dying for some personal tuition and maybe he wanted a younger model? Tom Cruise illustrates this point perfectly. After his first wife, Mimi Rogers, Nicole Kidman, his next wife, was five years younger than him. Penelope Cruz, his next long-term girlfriend, was twelve years younger than him. And Katie Holmes, his last wife was sixteen years younger than him. If Tom repeats this pattern then his next wife hasn’t been born yet!! Naturally it might not be Brad’s fault at all and that when Angie popped down to purchase her weekly two tons of nappies she ended up being served by a backing dancer she just couldn’t live without. Who knows?

Of course the reasons for this latest Hollywood split are yet to seep out but there are early rumours circulating  that on returning from the drugstore someone told Angie that Brad was ‘in the kitchen’ and immediately Angie insisted on knowing who the Director was and why she wasn’t in it? Others, that Brad refused to wear a vial of Angelina’s shit around his neck! And that he’s absolutely sick of spending all of his vacations on children shopping in Ethiopia!

But what does seem to be a common thread is that, once married, celebrities then find there are a lot of tricky issues at play in their marriages. Like which bank pays the best interest rate on four hundred million dollars! How many housemaids you should have and whether the Bahamas is better value than Trinidad & Tobago! I can relate a little to this because my wife and I have almost split up on at least four occasions when she insisted on extra pineapple as I made my way to Dominoes.

Angie, as is usually the case, will get custody of the children. When I was divorced I got custody of the mortgage, about twenty outstanding bills and the credit card debt! Unlike Brad and Angie the ex and me didn’t promise to stay good friends. Nobody ever does of course.

You know I spent a few days in Los Angeles once and found the place to be mostly full of nonsense, delusion and egomania. The town is crammed with people who are convinced that they’ll be young and beautiful forever, even though most of them aren’t even young and beautiful now. And it’s a place where if you don’t have a shrink, people think you’re crazy!

But even between a celebrity couple it becomes a question of who is getting the most attention, who’s been paid more for their latest movie or recording deal. Passion and tensions runs high because of this competition and emotional need to be seen as the bigger celebrity. They also have oversize egos and aren’t good at compromising because people fawn over them all of the time. When you’re used to getting your way it’s hard to face a major relationship hurdle like what’s for tea!

As a writer who is not a heartthrob I am never surrounded by beautiful younger women but usually by badly dressed office workers, over crowded bus stops and long angry check-out queues. I’ve never been to Ethiopia and the only thing I’ve ever adopted is a rude tone.


20th September 2016