Admit it, don’t you just loathe waiting? It’s one of the most intolerable banes of modern life. We wait for buses, trains, delayed flights, a phone call from a prospective employer, or a loved one. We wait for refunds, for cheques to arrive, we wait on motorways and on our partners to get ready! On and on it goes eating into the time our creator has set aside for us on this tiny marble floating in the universe. However, none of us have had to endure a wait of sixty-eight years for any of the above, or indeed a sixty eight year wait for anything. So maybe one might feel some empathy with Prince Charlie. Every day he wakes to find his mother sitting in bed with the crown still atop of her head, as fit as a butcher’s dog, and she will probably remain so for a few more years yet. Charles looks into the mirror to see himself getting visibly wrinklier while Madge has obviously struck a deal with the devil. As for Camilla, well, she doesn’t look into mirrors nowadays.

So what is a Prince to do with so much idol time on his hands? After the tragedy of losing a wife he never loved in the first place, to walking off with the wife of another without the merest cry of protest from him or any of his children? Allied to this his wish to be transformed into a certain accoutrement placed inside a women’s underwear, Charles has certainly managed to have a few dreams come true, except of course the one for which he was born. Personally I’d put a fiver on Madge outliving him, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she has too. I mean, she knows a thing or two about odds, owning a string a race horses and all that.

In fact race horses are effectively the Royal’s own money laundering project. And speaking of money Charlie likes this very much. For many of us, Charles already occupies paradise, a life of entitlement, born to rule, deference at every turn, though his incessant waiting goes on. So why not make a few more quid while he’s hanging around? The recently released ‘Paradise Papers’ prove that too much waiting hasn’t made Charles a dull boy, but he could be a worried boy as they suggest the Prince of Wales campaigned to change two climate change agreements while his private estate had an offshore interest that would benefit from the rule change.

Now just imagine for a moment attending a major medical seminar to lecture high ranking medical consultants as to what’s wrong with their profession when you have not the slightest professional or practical qualification? Apparently this is not a consideration when you’re a ‘looking for a role’, royal at a climate control conference. As we know from his private life, Charles doesn’t bother himself with conflicts of interest. Of course there’s no suggestion of tax avoidance, such words are about as welcome in Buckingham Palace as Viscount Althorp.

And as for Madge, well, she was so happy with the return on her own little ten million investment in the Cayman Islands that she knighted the guy who arranged it! But it doesn’t do to question the nation’s paragons of virtue as to their tax arrangements. Which explains the following cold shoulder. ‘The Duchy of Cornwall’ said the prince ‘has no direct involvement in its investments’ and Clarence House chipped in that Charles had  ‘never chosen to speak out on a topic simply because of a company that it may have invested in.’ Indeed.

Isn’t this a great line? Mad gunman across the world would now be well advised by their solicitors during a police interview to state that ‘I never choose to speak out on a mass murder simply because the gun had my fingerprints all over it.’

So there you go. Does Royalty still hold its mystique for you? Oh, and before the Royal apologists among you quote how great the royals are for tourism, let me just remind you that of the top twenty tourist attractions in London, The Palace, Madge or Charlie don’t make the cut.


10th November 2017.