Fast food, missed visits to my gym, and gossiping behind neighbours’ backs. These are the qualities that make me an unpredictable, free-spirited and brave person. It’s New Year once more, the time we all make a host of bad conscience inducing promises also known as New Year resolutions, like ‘I will never get fat again’, ‘I will help the wife around the house,’ or ‘I will spend at least one day per month away from the pub.’
Let me tell you that on New Year’s Eve, a friend of mine stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing because as the clock struck twelve the bartender was almost crushed to fucking death!!
Let’s be honest here people. Writing down your to-do list for 2018 while you’re pissed off your face on sweet cherry and crème de menthe the night before, has failure written all over it. New Year’s resolutions are about as meaningful as a collection of U2 lyrics. Furthermore, if you can’t make smart lifestyle choices at other times of the year, the chances of you succeeding from the beginning of January are smaller than the arse of a Kardashian!
Anyway, having given it more thought than it deserves, here is my list of possible resolutions for the coming year. Enjoy.
- Quit A Few Vices. I’ll Try.
Why are New Year’s resolutions always about ending bad habits? Personally, I quite enjoy my vices. Beer? Absolutely love it. Full English breakfast? Completely acceptable. Hoarding all of the blankets on the coldest night of the year? Not my fault that my wife is too slow to steal them first. Everything in moderation, right? My bad habits have shaped me as much as my good ones. But at the end of the day, they aren’t really hurting anyone. I drink socially and with restraint. Artery busting, full English cholesterol, only finds its way into my stomach five or six times a year. And my wife is more than welcome to yank the covers back over to her side… provided of course she’s ready to accept the consequences.
- Stop Swearing.
My wife usually hates it when I swear. And I get that because, believe it or not, I’m not actually a huge fan of constant vulgarities either. That being said, some situations simply cry out for foul language. Come on, no one is going to stick to a Screw It list or an Eff It list. What’s more, studies have shown that people who swear are actually more trustworthy and honest. Which, by my count, means I’m kind of exceptional. Fuck it? Don’t mind if I do.
- Smile At Those New Year Fitness Fanatics.
As a regular gym goer, the first week of January sees my gym invaded by new years’ resolution refugees. All dressed head to toe in their new trainers, wearing more layers than an onion. Lose fitting tracksuits, matching headbands, and not a clue as to what they’re doing. Most of them think that a barbell is something you find in a pub! The great thing is that their daily gym sessions will be knocked on the head at the end of the free, one month trial. They haven’t exercised for years yet pluck out the goal of having a fucking heart attack by running their first ever marathon this summer. Anyway, congrats to everyone who made it to the gym today. Only 364 days until you are allowed to return again!
4 Get a Dishwasher. No Stupid, Not Me!!!
Now I cannot speak for you, but in my house there is a strange phobia manifesting itself in the inability to put any dirty glasses or plates directly into a bowel of soapy water, wash and then dry them, without some violent verbal encouragement. Previous brave attempts have included placement on the counter directly beside the sink, the kitchen table, and any nearby flat surface. Occasionally an unclean dish will end up in the kitchen sink, ostensibly waiting for its turn to have a coveted hand-wash by an unknown servant. Yours fucking truly!
5 Upgrade My Wife’s Panty Drawer.
It is a sad fact that sexy underwear seems to be one of the first casualties of the war that is motherhood. When we first met, my beautiful wife was a vision in Secrets in Lace and Agent Provocateur. These days, most of her M&S specials are about as erotic as Susan Boyle! Saucy nights in white satin have been replaced by early nights in greying flannel. All of her pants seem to have taken on that same deathly grey pallor, as if they’ve been poisoned by a rogue black sock, probably one of our daughter’s knee-high, school numbers. I know lace isn’t the fabric of choice for the school run, apparently it ‘chafes’, and I know that these days singing nursery songs is more important than choosing thongs. But, day by day, the wife’s knicker drawer is coming to resemble a duster drawer. And it is taking the Mr Sheen off of our love life!
6 Do My Bit For The Nation.
I’m already arranging sponsorship for a celebrity sail into the Bermuda Triangle for charity, in a tall ship. The celebrities would be hand-picked and would include Simon Cowell and every ‘judge’ ever to appear on the X-Factor or Britain’s Got Talent. Everybody who’s ever appeared on Big Brother, everyone from Towie, everyone from ‘I’m a Z-List Celebrity, and Adele! Once the ship reaches its destination, then hopefully we’ll never see or hear the fucking lot of them ever again!
Happy New Year.
2nd January 2018.