Nous Sommes allez les Euros Francais 2016!

As I sit here typing this missive there sits a countdown o’meter on my wall that currently says that there twenty three days, nine hours, forty minutes and fifty three seconds, sorry make that two….no one…..Anyway you get the picture, until England get their tournament underway against Putin’s boys

The countdown’s been on since Ireland and naturellement my own little nation that, lest you’ve forgotten gave the world the beautiful game, qualified for the little jaunt across to the land of wine, cheese and absolutely maniac drivers!

          But, and I haven’t told many people this, I have another countdown clock adjacent to the aforementioned one that is currently counting the time until England are eventually eliminated from the competition. And what’s worrying me is just how uncomfortably close together the times on these two countdown instruments are!

          Of course I know that this is a negative  state of mind but let’s face it, for England, getting out of the group stages of any major competition lately is proving to be more difficult than getting the Union Jack out of New Zealand!

          Yet as twenty billion pounds worth of English footballing…..talent? makes its way across the English Channel there is just one aim, one purpose, one common cause. And that is….the QUARTER FINALS! Forget about the semis or the final. These are frontiers beyond which only the Germans, Italians, Spanish and Star Trek can go. A quarter final appearance for England will mean that we have essentially won the tournament. Woy will get a knighthood, a handsome bonus, elocution lessons, plus another four years. The press would have been humbled and street parties the length of the country will be bigger than the Queen’s last Jubilee.

          Of course my Irish friends find this all uproaringly hilarious because they know full well without even being under the influence of a single pint of Arthur’s black and white brew, that that when they meet us in this quarter final match the English will soon be crying into their warm beer after yet another granny ruler from some team in the Vauxhall Conference league scores a devastating headed volley direct from a throw-in just on the halfway line.  This will no doubt result in Roy Hodgson being sacked and stripped of his only just received knighthood for services to tactical ineptitude. And there will be lots of unsavoury headlines about the ungrateful Irish kicking us in the teeth conveniently forgetting about then seven billion they trousered from us, which by the way you still haven’t paid back, during the economic meltown.  So I’m just warning you all that If England lose this game the Queen will never set foot in the ‘English Market’ again  and I will personally write to the European Court of Human Rights to stop this ridiculous rule that clearly states that only players born outside of Ireland can score against England!


20th May 2016.


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